A Novel Approach

Jeff, Dude. Man.  What's going on, Buddy? Um, wow. Yeah. Is everything OK?

Dear Lonely Jeff,

I'll talk about something with you, but I'm not going to call you.  Do you realize how crazy I would have to be to call you?  You could be a pervert.  You could be a lunatic.  You could be a tele-marketer.  If you really are lonely and just want to talk, I'd like to offer you some advice.

First of all, put yourself in the reader's shoes.  Would you ever answer this ad?  You come off pretty desperate throwing in that "lonely" in the end.  People like happy, upbeat people.  And generally speaking, desperation is pathetic.  And when you inspire pity in a stranger, you put them ill-at-ease.  This is no way to have people warm to you.

If you're a member of some cult or religion trying to lure misguided and impressionable people into your influence, then shame on you. You disgust me. 

If you're looking for anonymous sex and this is your kinky way of going about it.  Hey, whatever floats your boat.  But I hope you're upfront with anyone who calls you.

And if you're genuinely looking for a friend, it isn't easy here in this city of strangers.  It can get very lonely surrounded by 8 million people who simply do not have the time.  So much for the glamour of anonymity.  I gotta hand it to you though: in this post-chatroom age of modern social-media-communication, you've certainly taken a novel approach to the situation.

Good luck!

Sincerely,
The Urban Boy Scout