Spiderman: Turn off the Shit Spigot

Last night I had the occasion to see that much talked about musical on Broadway, Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark. 
I'm probably a little late, reviewing a show that opened on Broadway last June.  Anyway, here's my take on the whole thing using 3 jpegs:

More specifically, this show is a very expensive (at times, dazzling) joke.

Peter Parker is a bright high school student who is regularly bullied by jocks.  This important plot point is illustrated in the HORRENDOUS song "Bullying by Numbers," a ditty which conspicuously does not appear on the soundtrack album.  I don't even know what "bullying by numbers" means.  I know that painting by numbers is a contrived way to create artworks with absolutely no talent, inspiration or skill.  So maybe it's like that.

Peter gets bitten by a genetically-altered spider on a school field trip to the local Top-Secret Genetic-Modification Research Facility and transforms into a superhero.

After Peter's idol, scientist Norman Osborn (played by the only person in this show worth mentioning Patrick Page), transforms himself into a genetic mutant he gets the cockamamie idea that all of humanity would be better off if they would too.  Villainous shenanigans ensue.

Useless Sub-Plots and Plot Points 

• Peter decides to use his new powers for good. But his girlfriend Mary Jane can't deal with him not being around.  So he decides to quit.  A minute or two later he decides to go back to being a super hero.
• The mad scientist creates 6 super villains all of whom are defeated by Spiderman in the course of one song.  
• Mary Jane's abusive, drunk father has one line and is referenced in only one song early in act 1.  
• Peter's uncle gets car-jacked.
• The mad scientist has a wife whom he accidentally kills and then 2 of her appear to him in a hallucination. i enjoyed that character but she was totally unnecessary.

Things That Made No Sense

•  I realize that when it comes to superhero stories (and musicals, in general) sometimes one must suspend disbelief and just go with it, but I ask you: wouldn't a bite from a genetically enhanced venomous spider just be more poisonous than usual?
• Mary Jane lives on the Lower East Side (presumably in the projects since her Dad is a drunk and doesn't work) and Peter lives in Washington Heights, but they go to high school in Queens. 
• Also, in the pile of crap known as Act I, Peter walks Mary Jane home after school.  That would have been a helluva walk.  And for no reason at all, the actors walked on a turning treadmill in order to walk while staying center-stage.  ummmmm, really? a treadmill built into the stage  for one stupid scene? no wonder this musical had such an outrageous budget and will never (mark my words) turn a profit.
• The Spiderman coffee mug in the gift shop at the Foxwood Theater cost $15.00.
• The title! I can't even tell you why it is called "Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark."  There is this one shit song called "Turn Off the Dark" that Arachne (the spider lady from greek mythology) sings to Peter (don't ask).  But I don't see why they didn't just call it Spiderman.

      Things I liked

• The opening number is super cool! The Greek spider lady is transformed into a spider by an angry goddess and a huge web is woven in front of our eyes on stage using ugly yellow fabric, aerialists, gravity and perfect timing.  The awesomeness of this moment is the only reason this character even exists.
• Spiderman flying out over the audience was spectacular.  Also you get to see muscled stuntmen in skintight clothes fly, spread-eagle, directly over your head. It's a great view.
• The sets were very inspired, especially when the audience is transported to the top of the Chrysler Building. 
• The ending. not the way the story was resolved; i was just glad when it was over.

If the creators of this musical had spent half the time making a good story that they spent perfecting outlandish graphic-novel inspired sets and circus-worthy acrobatics, this may have come together as a piece of musical theater.  As it is, what we have is a mess.