I Got Re-Written!

My first assignment for Time Out: New York magazine was simple enough: write a blurb for the "Own This City" blog to accompany some photographs of an event that had happened the previous weekend.

So I took it very seriously. I spent thirty minutes composing a grammatically sophisticated, positively informative pair of sentences that--I thought--had an arc of rhythmic flow and whose ending tied a verbal bow around the whole damn thing.  Reading it aloud seemed to echo, "and they all lived happily ever after..."  Here's my original text:

For all the grown-up decisions and sober dealings being made there Monday through Friday, Freeze Tag on Wall Street was organized to add innocent amusement and juvenile jubilation to the Financial District one weekend a year.  The sixth-annual event happened on Saturday January 21 and included freeze tag among other playground games that, for these adults, hearkened back to simpler times when negotiations and mergers were scarcely more complex than whom it was Red Rover would be asked to send over.


Well I got re-written.  I'm new to publishing, so I suppose this happens to everyone.  It doesn't offend me, and I realize I am not Ernest Hemingway.  And certainly the Copy Editors (or whoever changed some of my key words) know the voice of TONY better than I.  And I have yet to learn the varying tones and styles for the magazine's different media: blog, listings, reviews, recommendations, features.  But, I was very proud of my little couplet and the Associate Editor who gave me the assignment said it was "perfect" ... So imagine my shock when I read later on the blog the following posting:


Despite all the grown-up decisions and sober dealings being made there Monday through Friday, for one weekend a year the Financial District is the site of juvenile jubilation. During the sixth annual Freeze Tag on Wall Street, on January 21, adults taking part in playground games were transported back to simpler times, when negotiations and mergers were scarcely more complex than whom Red Rover would send over.


Though the general meaning has been retained, the music in my opening rhythm has been halted with the replacement of "for" with "despite."  Also they are not synonymous. 


My use of the (perhaps) sentimental phrase "hearken back" suggests a Norman Rockwell portrait.  Nixing it and inserting "transport back," (in addition being redundant) changes my idea to metaphor, and suggests not nostalgia, but time travel.  


And finally, I will admit that my closing phrase was wordy and winding.  Reaching the end of that sentence was like reaching the end of a maze.  But reaching the end of a maze is a triumphant moment!  With the simplified text, that moment of triumph retains all the glory of reaching the bottom of an escalator.  Sure, you're at your destination.  But so what?

WAIT A MINUTE...I have just dissected 2 silly sentences and addressed my grievances with professional opinions of my amateur attempts!  God, how self-indulgent can I get?  


My work has been streamlined, not simplified.  My re-write was not reductive.  It has been taken off its high horse and rinsed of its gaudy esoteric sheen.  I should be glad.  


This writing business is a learning process.  And I'm happy you've chosen to follow me on the journey.